So we know that my new medication is causing my anxiety to go up... but what's causing the anxiety to start with? We have to go back in time to answer that.
2011 started normal enough. Then I woke up one day and looked at myself. I mean REALLY looked at myself. It was not pretty. The face in the mirror was not the girl that everyone use to call cute, or the one that use to get stopped by random people to ask who did my hair. No this person was... bland, ugly. "When had I started to have acne? When was the last time I got my very bushy eyebrows or inherited mustache waxed? Why was my hair touching my shoulders? I don't look good with long hair!!" Then my eyes fell and I took in the whole picture. When did I get this BIG! I have always been over weight. I hated it. But in the end I still looked good, and my hubby still loved me. This though, this thing in the mirror, this was not looking good. This was bad. After I was sure I was not going to cry anymore I called my Dr. I knew I could not go another month without doing something. Just saying "ok honey I am fat so we need to eat better" was not enough. I needed to relearn how to eat. My Dr set me up with a nutritionist. I changed the way I shopped, changed the way I ate, changed how the family ate too. I even started working out. Dr G. had me write down everything I ate, and everything I did for my work out.
That was the funny part.. How do you write down that you put on loud music and proceed to do ANYTHING you can think of to get your heart going and KEEP it going for at least an hour. And when I say anything I mean anything.. I would run around, jump around, dance around, do jumping jacks etc what ever I could thing of... Well that's how, lol. That's what I put down.
So in April after 3 months of this routine I went back to the Dr to see how I was doing. I was supper excited, I has been busting my butt. I knew she was going to be surprised to see how well I had done. I jumped on the scale, all smiles. 4 seconds later I was doing everything I could not to cry in front of this nurse. I had not lost a single pound. Dr.G. tried to make me feel better. Letting me know all my labs proved I was getting healthier, and that as long as I stayed on this path I would start loosing real soon.
I went home completely discouraged. All I wanted was to curl up on the couch with cookies, chips and ice cream. But there was nothing like that in my house and I was too upset to go out and buy any. Once the hubby got home he let me scream and vent. Then he just said "You can do this, its ok. At least you have not gained." He was right. I had gone 3 months with out gaining at all, ok, I must be doing something right. The weight should start coming off soon.
I decided I needed to kick my workout up a bit. Just actin a fool in my living room was not cutting it, and I hate going to gyms. There is only skinny people there. I ended up borrowing a treadmill from a friend. I LOVED IT! I could pop in a movie and do a slow pace run on that thing for the whole movie.
May came and it was time for another Dr appointment. I had gained 2 pounds. I was done. That was it, I threw in the towel and just prepared myself for a life of always being big. Of being the "big" sister, the "fat" friend, the chubby girl in the room. I was honest with everyone about how I had not lost any, about how I had gained weight. But I told no one I had given up. I could not let them know I had failed again. As far as my family and friends knew I was still getting on the treadmill 8-10 hours a week. Even my husband thought I was still using it when he was at work.
I had spent 4 months working towards one goal, and every time I turned around I had nothing to show for it. It ate me up. I was in a F*** it mode. I sat around and watched TV all day. I am not a big snack person so I did not binge eat, but I stopped worrying how many calories were in my dinner. I did not stress out if I missed a meal or if I ate too much or too late. This went on through July.
In August I was set to see Dr G. again. Out of pure morbid curiosity I was excited to go and get on the scale..... I had lost 1 pound! I had to tell someone. This was too funny. Even though I was lying to everyone and they would not understand my inside joke, I still needed to tell someone. So I called my mother. I informed her that after 6-7 months I had finally lost 1 pound. She could here in my voice that even though I was laughing, this was not a good thing. So she tried to make me feel better. She repeated to me something she has been telling me for YEARS.
"Honey, you know your never going to be small. Even if you do start losing weight your always going to be on the heavy side."I had it! There was no way this was true. It was not written someplace that I was always going to be the “big” girl! Nothing at all said just because my fathers side was all heavy that I HAD to be heavy too! That is really all it took to get me back on track. I was going to prove her wrong!! There was no way I was going to end 2011 this big. I was going to lose the weight and show her!
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