My Life Off The Beaten Path pt2

       *After my mothers "you will always be heavy" comment I had  more reason than every to succeed. I was going to lose the weight and prove her wrong.......

       I pulled out the treadmill and got on it harder then ever. I started eating right again. And since my kid had started school I was walking 4 miles a day taking him to and form school. So here I was walking 20 miles a week and jogging/ fast walking for at least 8 hours a week. I made sure I was not skipping meals. I was loving it. No longer was this just about being healthy and giving my self extra time with my child. No this was also about proving my mother wrong. I know my kid should have been enough motivation, but it was the combination of him and my mother that drove me.
       After a month of being back on track my Dr wanted me to touch base with the nutritionist again. I was 100% honest with the nutritionist. She said I was doing real good but that I should have lost weight. A lot of weight. Even with the 2 1/2 month hiatus I still should have been down at the very least 20 pounds from the start of the year. So it was time to take more labs, and to talk to my Dr again.
       I could not get in to see my doctor til October. I was still sticking to everything the Nutritionist said to. But the reflection in the mirror still looked the same. I needed some good news. I needed a sign or something. Anything that would tell me that I was not going to keep being the fat girl. It was bad enough that I hated the way my body looked. But it has gotten to the point that I did not even want the man I had been with for 9 years to see me naked.
       Finally the Dr visit was here. It did not go as I had planed. Once again the scale stayed the same. You would think that I would be getting use to it but I was not. I sat in the exam room waiting for my Dr in tears. I just could not do this. I did not mind the diet, or the exercise. But I could not keep being the largest girl in all the photos with my friends and even my family. I could not let my mother win. Dr G. came in to the room took one look and me and said it was time to make a decision. Wait out the rut I was in , Weight Loss surgery, Weight Loss pills.
       Waiting it out was not an option. I knew that, but had it really gotten to this point. Had I really eaten my self to the point of  having to make such a big choice? Such a life changing choice? Apparently it had. I was heavy enough to qualify for the surgery. I knew I was big, but big enough that I could have surgery? I took all she said and went home to think.
       It was a hard decision, a very hard decision, but after LOTS of research and lots of talking with the hubby. And lets not forget the 1 million questions to a friend that had opted for the surgery, I settled I was going to do the surgery.
       Weight Loss surgery was not an easy choice, its the hardest choice I have had to make it years. It is also probable one of the biggest decision I have every made. My surgeon asked my why I wanted it. I told him the truth.

• I want it for my son, so that I able and willing to do more with him. So I am around longer b/c I wont die of an Obesity related illness
• I want it for my husband, so he can touch me with out me shying away, so that I will not feel like i have to wear a shirt when we are “together”
• I want it to prove my mother wrong. That I will NOT always be the heavy girl
• But mostly I want it for me. I want to be able to not cry when I shop for clothes. To not KNOW I am the biggest girl in the photos. To not be the fat girl at my sisters wedding. To look in the mirror in a year and 1/2 and see a stronger person then I see right now. 

       So I realize I got a little long winded, but there you have it. Spend a year fighting with your body, and you will be a little on edge. Add to it a life changing decision, oh and some family drama, mixed with financial burdens and going back to school, think your anxiety would be higher then normal too. Now add on the medication that puts you on edge and exaggerates your anxiety and you have my reason for irrationally being angry, upset, frustrated. lol

My Life Off The Beaten Path pt 1

       So we know that my new medication is causing my anxiety to go up... but what's causing the anxiety to start with? We have to go back in time to answer that.

       2011 started normal enough. Then I woke up one day and looked at myself. I mean REALLY looked at myself.  It was not pretty. The face in the mirror was not the girl that everyone use to call cute, or the one that use to get stopped by random people to ask who did my hair. No this person was... bland, ugly. "When had I started to have acne? When was the last time I got my very bushy eyebrows or inherited mustache waxed?  Why was my hair touching my shoulders? I don't look good with long hair!!"  Then my eyes fell and I took in the whole picture.  When did I get this BIG! 
       I have always been over weight. I hated it. But in the end I still looked good, and my hubby still loved me. This though, this thing in the mirror, this was not looking good. This was bad. After I was sure I was not going to cry anymore I called my Dr. I knew I could not go another month without doing something. Just saying "ok honey I am fat so we need to eat better" was not enough. I needed to relearn how to eat.  My Dr set me up with a nutritionist. I changed the way I shopped, changed the way I ate, changed how the family ate too.  I even started working out.  Dr G. had me write down everything I ate, and everything I did for my work out. 
       That was the funny part.. How do you write down that you put on loud music and proceed to do ANYTHING you can think of to get your heart going and KEEP it going for at least an hour. And when I say anything I mean anything.. I would run around, jump around, dance around, do jumping jacks etc  what ever I could thing of... Well that's how, lol. That's what I put down.
       So in April after 3 months of this routine I went back to the Dr to see how I was doing. I was supper excited, I has been busting my butt. I knew she was going to be surprised to see how well I had done. I jumped on the scale, all smiles. 4 seconds later I was doing everything I could not to cry in front of this nurse. I had not lost a single pound. Dr.G. tried to make me feel better. Letting me know all my labs proved I was getting healthier, and that as long as I stayed on this path I would start loosing real soon.
       I went home completely discouraged. All I wanted was to curl up on the couch with cookies, chips and ice cream. But there was nothing like that in my house and I was too upset to go out and buy any. Once the hubby got home he let me scream and vent. Then he just said "You can do this, its ok. At least you have not gained." He was right. I had gone 3 months with out gaining at all, ok, I must be doing something right. The weight should start coming off soon.
       I decided I needed to kick my workout up a bit. Just actin a fool in my living room was not cutting it, and I hate going to gyms. There is only skinny people there. I ended up borrowing a treadmill from a friend. I LOVED IT! I could pop in a movie and do a slow pace run on that thing for the whole movie.
       May came and it was time for another Dr appointment. I had gained 2 pounds. I was done. That was it, I threw in the towel and just prepared myself for a life of always being big. Of being the "big" sister, the "fat" friend, the chubby girl in the room. I was honest with everyone about how I had not lost any, about how I had gained weight. But I told no one I had given up. I could not let them know I had failed again. As far as my family and friends knew I was still getting on the treadmill 8-10 hours a week. Even my husband thought I was still using it when he was at work. 
       I had spent 4 months working towards one goal, and every time I turned around I had nothing to show for it. It ate me up. I was in a F*** it mode. I sat around and watched TV all day. I am not a big snack person so I did not binge eat, but I stopped worrying how many calories were in my dinner. I did not stress out if I missed a meal or if I ate too much or too late. This went on through July.
       In August I was set to see Dr G. again. Out of pure morbid curiosity I was excited to go and get on the scale..... I had lost 1 pound! I had to tell someone. This was too funny. Even though I was lying to everyone and they would not understand my inside joke, I still needed to tell someone. So I called my mother. I informed her that after 6-7 months I had finally lost 1 pound. She could here in my voice that even though I was laughing, this was not a good thing. So she tried to make me feel better. She repeated to me something she has been telling me for YEARS. 

"Honey, you know your never going to be small. Even if you do start losing weight your always going to be on the heavy side."  

       I had it! There was no way this was true. It was not written someplace that I was always going to be the “big” girl! Nothing at all said just because my fathers side was all heavy that I HAD to be heavy too! That is really all it took to get me back on track. I was going to prove her wrong!! There was no way I was going to end 2011 this big. I was going to lose the weight and show her!

How I Got Here

...... I am not sure where to begin. Up until a year ago I did not even know what a 'blog" was.  You always hear about them, but no one really ever says what one is. 
       My sister started a blog as on outlet for her struggles and triumphs with breast cancer. Or as she puts it "laughing my way through cancer". I thought it was an awesome idea.... for her. Then things in my life started to go a little ‘off the beaten path‘.  I realized that, for my poor husband and sons sake, I too needed an "outlet".  
quietly SCREAMING... I don't like getting mad, I sometimes have a very hard time getting mad and other times I get mad when there really is not a reason!  The latter one unfortunately has been accruing more often. I mean do I really have a right to be angry at the husband because he wants to go to bed really after helping someone move for 12 hours!? Weather its “right” or  not I do get mad at things like that.  I want to scream and yell, cuss and throw stuff. BUT I cant b/c I don't have a good enough reason to be mad in the first place. So I keep calm and quietly tell my husband or another innocent bystander what's bugging me. 
       I am fully aware of my irrationality. I am also aware of the stress it is putting on me and my little family. So I went to my very amazing doctor. She was helpful as always in letting me know that it is the new medicine making my anxiety go up, which in turn she said was causing my "irrational anger" Thank you Dr.G! 
       Her suggestion was to find an out let, something that I can do that will not stress me out but help me collect my thoughts. I came home and thought, a lot about what I could do.... I thought for a LONG time, and got no where. So I do what every one does when they need help. I turned to the internet. 
       I can not tell you what I planed on searching b/c I checked my e-mail and Facebook first, shame on me, I know. As suspected I got side tracked and ended up taking some kind of  “what’s your real age” test. Things are fine, and I answering the questions, and out of no where I am pissed!??! lol...... 
       Then I really knew I had to something! And there was the answer right there on my computer. A tab I had opened but had not gotten a chance to look at yet. My sisters blog. It made perfect sense. I could start my own! Then I could let all my irrational anger and frustrations out, without having to TALK to someone and risk saying the wrong thing and upsetting them in the process! 


So here I am. Not angry anymore ...for the moment .....Guess that’s how you begin :)