What am I doing!!

I feel like I am contemplating a breakup. You know the feeling: You really really love the person. And, you WANT to spend your life with said person, but this person is bad for you. Staying with them will cause you nothing but hurt in the end. However, loosing them will hurt now and you may lose friends too in the break up.   That is what I am going trough because not only am I breaking up with my stomach I am loosing my friend, Food!!
It's currently 4:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. In 4 hours, I will be walking into the hospital to have major surgery. Surgery has never scared me, but right now, at this moment I am scared. What the hell am I doing! My doctors may have given the idea to me but the choice is all mine. I am electing for them to CUT OFF my stomach!! What am I thinking! This is crazy, right? I mean, freakishly tall people do not have part of there legs removed so they can feel “normal”. So why to overweight people have their stomached removed to feel and look normal?
Ok, OK, I am fully aware that despite the risks Weight Loss surgery saves lives. But right now, in this moments I am questioning everything.
I started to write this last night. It's been on my to-do list for well over a week to write something before I went to surgery. Call it lazy, call it scared, or whatever but it just never happened. When I stated last night my head hurt too much. Most of what I wrote last night was not even full thoughts it was more fragments.
You have to jump through hoops to get this surgery. No insurance wants to pay for it really. It is even harder for people my size. I am in the obese category, as apposed to the "Morbidly Obese" **I HATE that term by the way!** I am right there on the line. The first any most important factor in whether you get the surgery is your BMI. A person with a BMI of 19-24 is considered to have a healthy BMI. My insurance will not approve weight loss surgery to anyone with a BMI lower then 35. Mine Is 36-37 depending on the week.
Once they decide you're qualified, now it is time to jump through hoops. Counseling. Hours of classes. Psych Eval. Physical. X/rays. Tons and tons and tons of paperwork. And at the hospital I am getting it at they have a support group that you must attend once before your surgery date is given, and they you have to go once a month for a year after your surgery.
I am not one to sit around and talk to people I don't know. But the support group is informative. They even had a Facebook Group to go along with it. I loved that. I lived on that for two weeks until it was shut down. (Different story for a different time). I asked many questions and always got back amazing helpful answers. I pretty much know what to except the moment I wake up after surgery. What no one talked about is just how hard the day BEFORE surgery is.
I was dieing yesterday. A Week ago I was put on a pre surgery diet. Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast and lunch. Diner was a "sensible" meal. So yesterday was Carnation Breakfast until noon. After noon, it was Clear foods only. Water, Jell-O, broth etc... I knew this was how it had to be. I did not think it would be a big deal. I get sidetrack with stuff a lot and forget to eat all day until diner. However, yesterday shortly after I woke up my body and mind decided it wanted to eat. So all day I suffered from a hunger head ach.  And my tummy was growling all day to. I was not a happy person. Doing anything to take my mind off the hunger was out of the question. My head hurt too badly.
 Even now as I type the head ach is intensifying. But I have to get this out. I tossed and turned half the night thinking about what else to write. So I am writing.....
Back to the head ach. I know half of it is mental. It is that - You can't eat so you're going to be hungry- thing. In the end though, regardless of the reasons I am still hungry right now. My head feels as if it is cracking in three different spots on the top. Yeah no one talked about this at all!
I am now 3 hours away now. That little bit took me an hour! That is how hard it is to form intelligible thoughts when your head is splitting open.  I am second-guessing my self so much. I know WHY I am doing this. I know that I don't want to be this big forever. I do not want my weight issues to be a consideration when making decisions. I don't want to develop diabetes or other life altering/life threatening diseases. I want to live a full healthy energized life with my husband and child. Still, even with all that, it feels like the "break up" I talked about in the beginning.