What am I doing!!

I feel like I am contemplating a breakup. You know the feeling: You really really love the person. And, you WANT to spend your life with said person, but this person is bad for you. Staying with them will cause you nothing but hurt in the end. However, loosing them will hurt now and you may lose friends too in the break up.   That is what I am going trough because not only am I breaking up with my stomach I am loosing my friend, Food!!
It's currently 4:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. In 4 hours, I will be walking into the hospital to have major surgery. Surgery has never scared me, but right now, at this moment I am scared. What the hell am I doing! My doctors may have given the idea to me but the choice is all mine. I am electing for them to CUT OFF my stomach!! What am I thinking! This is crazy, right? I mean, freakishly tall people do not have part of there legs removed so they can feel “normal”. So why to overweight people have their stomached removed to feel and look normal?
Ok, OK, I am fully aware that despite the risks Weight Loss surgery saves lives. But right now, in this moments I am questioning everything.
I started to write this last night. It's been on my to-do list for well over a week to write something before I went to surgery. Call it lazy, call it scared, or whatever but it just never happened. When I stated last night my head hurt too much. Most of what I wrote last night was not even full thoughts it was more fragments.
You have to jump through hoops to get this surgery. No insurance wants to pay for it really. It is even harder for people my size. I am in the obese category, as apposed to the "Morbidly Obese" **I HATE that term by the way!** I am right there on the line. The first any most important factor in whether you get the surgery is your BMI. A person with a BMI of 19-24 is considered to have a healthy BMI. My insurance will not approve weight loss surgery to anyone with a BMI lower then 35. Mine Is 36-37 depending on the week.
Once they decide you're qualified, now it is time to jump through hoops. Counseling. Hours of classes. Psych Eval. Physical. X/rays. Tons and tons and tons of paperwork. And at the hospital I am getting it at they have a support group that you must attend once before your surgery date is given, and they you have to go once a month for a year after your surgery.
I am not one to sit around and talk to people I don't know. But the support group is informative. They even had a Facebook Group to go along with it. I loved that. I lived on that for two weeks until it was shut down. (Different story for a different time). I asked many questions and always got back amazing helpful answers. I pretty much know what to except the moment I wake up after surgery. What no one talked about is just how hard the day BEFORE surgery is.
I was dieing yesterday. A Week ago I was put on a pre surgery diet. Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast and lunch. Diner was a "sensible" meal. So yesterday was Carnation Breakfast until noon. After noon, it was Clear foods only. Water, Jell-O, broth etc... I knew this was how it had to be. I did not think it would be a big deal. I get sidetrack with stuff a lot and forget to eat all day until diner. However, yesterday shortly after I woke up my body and mind decided it wanted to eat. So all day I suffered from a hunger head ach.  And my tummy was growling all day to. I was not a happy person. Doing anything to take my mind off the hunger was out of the question. My head hurt too badly.
 Even now as I type the head ach is intensifying. But I have to get this out. I tossed and turned half the night thinking about what else to write. So I am writing.....
Back to the head ach. I know half of it is mental. It is that - You can't eat so you're going to be hungry- thing. In the end though, regardless of the reasons I am still hungry right now. My head feels as if it is cracking in three different spots on the top. Yeah no one talked about this at all!
I am now 3 hours away now. That little bit took me an hour! That is how hard it is to form intelligible thoughts when your head is splitting open.  I am second-guessing my self so much. I know WHY I am doing this. I know that I don't want to be this big forever. I do not want my weight issues to be a consideration when making decisions. I don't want to develop diabetes or other life altering/life threatening diseases. I want to live a full healthy energized life with my husband and child. Still, even with all that, it feels like the "break up" I talked about in the beginning.

Trash

I hate the parents at my child's school! Ok, hate is a "strong" word. I DISLIKE the parents at my child's school... Is that better?
They don't all drive me crazy, but enough of them do that I forget about the ones that are not annoying. My son and I walk to and from school everyday that the weather allows. On the way to school I always get stuck behind the parents with strollers, taking up the entire sidewalk, walking SLOW! I am happy for them that they do not mind if there child is late for school, but I do! I have no problem going around someone one, its just that it rains a lot here and I don't like for my son to have to walk through muddy grass just because you can’t speed up your pace!
Then there are the parents in the afternoon. They are the ones that really make me want to go White Trailer Trash on them!!  *that's my term I use when I feel like I can not hold back and I am going to cause a scene* The whole reason I feel I need to go off on them  is because they themselves are behaving in pure "Trailer Trash" fashion.
If any body is reading this you are getting mad because you live in a trailer, please don't. I lived in a trailer park for over half my life. I do not mean that everyone that lives in a trailer is trash. Urban Dictionary describes trailer trash as being "foul language ...and general ignorance" I am a firm believer that "Trailer Trash" like people can live anywhere. I have seen them myself living in Apartments, houses, trailers, even BASE HOUSING!! Just because some one is in the military, or they are married to the military, DOES NOT men that they are high-class nice people. Oh no! You would think that since there family or they themselves put their lives on the line for there country that it would give them a better perspective on life and help them behaves properly out in public. But nope you still have "low class" in every form of military.

Oh so back to the Trailer Trash parents.

          Since I walk my son home form school, I pick him up at school.  I congregate in front of his classroom (his room has a door that opens up to outside) with all the other parents.  This is where the action happens. I tend not to associate with most of these people. I am just not an out going person around people I do not know. Therefore, it took a while for me to even pay attention enough to realize what was going on. I remember the exact day that my eyes and ears opened up. So you have about 10-15 parents, most of which also have toddlers or pre K age kids with them. All of us just waiting for the bell to ring and our kids to get out. You would think that in this situation, on school ground, young kids around, public place,  people would act in a proper manner. NOPE!
So, I was approaching the outside area of his classroom, and I heard music. Not like kids singing, but good music. I believe it was Alicia Keys. As I got to the poll I lean against I was able to see that it was a parent using her phone to listen to music. At first, the music was not bad so it did not bother me. However, I did feel it was rude to have the music on that loud, and no headphones. Not everyone wants to hear what you are lessoning too. Then she changed the song. I do not even know what song it was, but I can tell you it was a Lil Wayne song!!! AT AN ELEMENTRY SCHOOL!! And, all these parents standing around with their pre K kids and none of them seemed taken back by it. Am I the only parent left on this planet that does feels not  all music meant for me is ok for my kid?
As I am looking around at these parents wondering if anyone was a disgusted with the situation as me,  I started to really hear the conversations. These parents think its just time for one big B***h fest! I have a bad mouth, anyone that knows me knows this, BUT I was born with some sense and know that I should watch my mouth around other peoples children! These parents cuss up a storm, as if they are sitting in there own living rooms or something! The grown ups here just do not care.
That day was some months ago, and I am sad to say that it was not some kind of exception. Even though the music incident has not happened again. Still not one of these parents seems to feel they should watch the way they speak. It is not just the words they use; it is also the subjects that get to me. They sometimes talk about their sex lives, their bathroom habits, or talk BAD about their children. Complaining about how your kid is not picking up his room, fine, but calling him a messy bastard, not ok! The bad manners are reserved not to just when they are speaking to each other. I have seen some of them speak to the teacher like she is worthless. I promise you all this teacher is one of the best ever!  They also speak to their own kids this way as well. See Trailer Trash:  foul language and general ignorance.
Some of you reading this may feel I should step up and say something to them. Yes something should be done. Nevertheless, I doing it my self is not an option. I can already tell you what would happen.
I would walk up say something quiet and polite like "I hate to interrupt, and I don’t want to come off as rude but your language and choice or topics may be inappropriate for this setting". Then she will give me a dirty look, say something rude and Trailer Trash-ish. At this point, I would have to defend my honor, because I cannot let someone talk to me like that! Next thing you know I am going all White Trailer Trash on her and we are both in the principles office. Lol...
Since approaching the situation head on is not an option, and a phone call to the school proved unsuccessful, I vent on here and find myself laughing now instead of being upset as I was at the start.