What am I doing!!

I feel like I am contemplating a breakup. You know the feeling: You really really love the person. And, you WANT to spend your life with said person, but this person is bad for you. Staying with them will cause you nothing but hurt in the end. However, loosing them will hurt now and you may lose friends too in the break up.   That is what I am going trough because not only am I breaking up with my stomach I am loosing my friend, Food!!
It's currently 4:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. In 4 hours, I will be walking into the hospital to have major surgery. Surgery has never scared me, but right now, at this moment I am scared. What the hell am I doing! My doctors may have given the idea to me but the choice is all mine. I am electing for them to CUT OFF my stomach!! What am I thinking! This is crazy, right? I mean, freakishly tall people do not have part of there legs removed so they can feel “normal”. So why to overweight people have their stomached removed to feel and look normal?
Ok, OK, I am fully aware that despite the risks Weight Loss surgery saves lives. But right now, in this moments I am questioning everything.
I started to write this last night. It's been on my to-do list for well over a week to write something before I went to surgery. Call it lazy, call it scared, or whatever but it just never happened. When I stated last night my head hurt too much. Most of what I wrote last night was not even full thoughts it was more fragments.
You have to jump through hoops to get this surgery. No insurance wants to pay for it really. It is even harder for people my size. I am in the obese category, as apposed to the "Morbidly Obese" **I HATE that term by the way!** I am right there on the line. The first any most important factor in whether you get the surgery is your BMI. A person with a BMI of 19-24 is considered to have a healthy BMI. My insurance will not approve weight loss surgery to anyone with a BMI lower then 35. Mine Is 36-37 depending on the week.
Once they decide you're qualified, now it is time to jump through hoops. Counseling. Hours of classes. Psych Eval. Physical. X/rays. Tons and tons and tons of paperwork. And at the hospital I am getting it at they have a support group that you must attend once before your surgery date is given, and they you have to go once a month for a year after your surgery.
I am not one to sit around and talk to people I don't know. But the support group is informative. They even had a Facebook Group to go along with it. I loved that. I lived on that for two weeks until it was shut down. (Different story for a different time). I asked many questions and always got back amazing helpful answers. I pretty much know what to except the moment I wake up after surgery. What no one talked about is just how hard the day BEFORE surgery is.
I was dieing yesterday. A Week ago I was put on a pre surgery diet. Carnation Instant Breakfast for breakfast and lunch. Diner was a "sensible" meal. So yesterday was Carnation Breakfast until noon. After noon, it was Clear foods only. Water, Jell-O, broth etc... I knew this was how it had to be. I did not think it would be a big deal. I get sidetrack with stuff a lot and forget to eat all day until diner. However, yesterday shortly after I woke up my body and mind decided it wanted to eat. So all day I suffered from a hunger head ach.  And my tummy was growling all day to. I was not a happy person. Doing anything to take my mind off the hunger was out of the question. My head hurt too badly.
 Even now as I type the head ach is intensifying. But I have to get this out. I tossed and turned half the night thinking about what else to write. So I am writing.....
Back to the head ach. I know half of it is mental. It is that - You can't eat so you're going to be hungry- thing. In the end though, regardless of the reasons I am still hungry right now. My head feels as if it is cracking in three different spots on the top. Yeah no one talked about this at all!
I am now 3 hours away now. That little bit took me an hour! That is how hard it is to form intelligible thoughts when your head is splitting open.  I am second-guessing my self so much. I know WHY I am doing this. I know that I don't want to be this big forever. I do not want my weight issues to be a consideration when making decisions. I don't want to develop diabetes or other life altering/life threatening diseases. I want to live a full healthy energized life with my husband and child. Still, even with all that, it feels like the "break up" I talked about in the beginning.

Trash

I hate the parents at my child's school! Ok, hate is a "strong" word. I DISLIKE the parents at my child's school... Is that better?
They don't all drive me crazy, but enough of them do that I forget about the ones that are not annoying. My son and I walk to and from school everyday that the weather allows. On the way to school I always get stuck behind the parents with strollers, taking up the entire sidewalk, walking SLOW! I am happy for them that they do not mind if there child is late for school, but I do! I have no problem going around someone one, its just that it rains a lot here and I don't like for my son to have to walk through muddy grass just because you can’t speed up your pace!
Then there are the parents in the afternoon. They are the ones that really make me want to go White Trailer Trash on them!!  *that's my term I use when I feel like I can not hold back and I am going to cause a scene* The whole reason I feel I need to go off on them  is because they themselves are behaving in pure "Trailer Trash" fashion.
If any body is reading this you are getting mad because you live in a trailer, please don't. I lived in a trailer park for over half my life. I do not mean that everyone that lives in a trailer is trash. Urban Dictionary describes trailer trash as being "foul language ...and general ignorance" I am a firm believer that "Trailer Trash" like people can live anywhere. I have seen them myself living in Apartments, houses, trailers, even BASE HOUSING!! Just because some one is in the military, or they are married to the military, DOES NOT men that they are high-class nice people. Oh no! You would think that since there family or they themselves put their lives on the line for there country that it would give them a better perspective on life and help them behaves properly out in public. But nope you still have "low class" in every form of military.

Oh so back to the Trailer Trash parents.

          Since I walk my son home form school, I pick him up at school.  I congregate in front of his classroom (his room has a door that opens up to outside) with all the other parents.  This is where the action happens. I tend not to associate with most of these people. I am just not an out going person around people I do not know. Therefore, it took a while for me to even pay attention enough to realize what was going on. I remember the exact day that my eyes and ears opened up. So you have about 10-15 parents, most of which also have toddlers or pre K age kids with them. All of us just waiting for the bell to ring and our kids to get out. You would think that in this situation, on school ground, young kids around, public place,  people would act in a proper manner. NOPE!
So, I was approaching the outside area of his classroom, and I heard music. Not like kids singing, but good music. I believe it was Alicia Keys. As I got to the poll I lean against I was able to see that it was a parent using her phone to listen to music. At first, the music was not bad so it did not bother me. However, I did feel it was rude to have the music on that loud, and no headphones. Not everyone wants to hear what you are lessoning too. Then she changed the song. I do not even know what song it was, but I can tell you it was a Lil Wayne song!!! AT AN ELEMENTRY SCHOOL!! And, all these parents standing around with their pre K kids and none of them seemed taken back by it. Am I the only parent left on this planet that does feels not  all music meant for me is ok for my kid?
As I am looking around at these parents wondering if anyone was a disgusted with the situation as me,  I started to really hear the conversations. These parents think its just time for one big B***h fest! I have a bad mouth, anyone that knows me knows this, BUT I was born with some sense and know that I should watch my mouth around other peoples children! These parents cuss up a storm, as if they are sitting in there own living rooms or something! The grown ups here just do not care.
That day was some months ago, and I am sad to say that it was not some kind of exception. Even though the music incident has not happened again. Still not one of these parents seems to feel they should watch the way they speak. It is not just the words they use; it is also the subjects that get to me. They sometimes talk about their sex lives, their bathroom habits, or talk BAD about their children. Complaining about how your kid is not picking up his room, fine, but calling him a messy bastard, not ok! The bad manners are reserved not to just when they are speaking to each other. I have seen some of them speak to the teacher like she is worthless. I promise you all this teacher is one of the best ever!  They also speak to their own kids this way as well. See Trailer Trash:  foul language and general ignorance.
Some of you reading this may feel I should step up and say something to them. Yes something should be done. Nevertheless, I doing it my self is not an option. I can already tell you what would happen.
I would walk up say something quiet and polite like "I hate to interrupt, and I don’t want to come off as rude but your language and choice or topics may be inappropriate for this setting". Then she will give me a dirty look, say something rude and Trailer Trash-ish. At this point, I would have to defend my honor, because I cannot let someone talk to me like that! Next thing you know I am going all White Trailer Trash on her and we are both in the principles office. Lol...
Since approaching the situation head on is not an option, and a phone call to the school proved unsuccessful, I vent on here and find myself laughing now instead of being upset as I was at the start.

My Life Off The Beaten Path pt2

       *After my mothers "you will always be heavy" comment I had  more reason than every to succeed. I was going to lose the weight and prove her wrong.......

       I pulled out the treadmill and got on it harder then ever. I started eating right again. And since my kid had started school I was walking 4 miles a day taking him to and form school. So here I was walking 20 miles a week and jogging/ fast walking for at least 8 hours a week. I made sure I was not skipping meals. I was loving it. No longer was this just about being healthy and giving my self extra time with my child. No this was also about proving my mother wrong. I know my kid should have been enough motivation, but it was the combination of him and my mother that drove me.
       After a month of being back on track my Dr wanted me to touch base with the nutritionist again. I was 100% honest with the nutritionist. She said I was doing real good but that I should have lost weight. A lot of weight. Even with the 2 1/2 month hiatus I still should have been down at the very least 20 pounds from the start of the year. So it was time to take more labs, and to talk to my Dr again.
       I could not get in to see my doctor til October. I was still sticking to everything the Nutritionist said to. But the reflection in the mirror still looked the same. I needed some good news. I needed a sign or something. Anything that would tell me that I was not going to keep being the fat girl. It was bad enough that I hated the way my body looked. But it has gotten to the point that I did not even want the man I had been with for 9 years to see me naked.
       Finally the Dr visit was here. It did not go as I had planed. Once again the scale stayed the same. You would think that I would be getting use to it but I was not. I sat in the exam room waiting for my Dr in tears. I just could not do this. I did not mind the diet, or the exercise. But I could not keep being the largest girl in all the photos with my friends and even my family. I could not let my mother win. Dr G. came in to the room took one look and me and said it was time to make a decision. Wait out the rut I was in , Weight Loss surgery, Weight Loss pills.
       Waiting it out was not an option. I knew that, but had it really gotten to this point. Had I really eaten my self to the point of  having to make such a big choice? Such a life changing choice? Apparently it had. I was heavy enough to qualify for the surgery. I knew I was big, but big enough that I could have surgery? I took all she said and went home to think.
       It was a hard decision, a very hard decision, but after LOTS of research and lots of talking with the hubby. And lets not forget the 1 million questions to a friend that had opted for the surgery, I settled I was going to do the surgery.
       Weight Loss surgery was not an easy choice, its the hardest choice I have had to make it years. It is also probable one of the biggest decision I have every made. My surgeon asked my why I wanted it. I told him the truth.

• I want it for my son, so that I able and willing to do more with him. So I am around longer b/c I wont die of an Obesity related illness
• I want it for my husband, so he can touch me with out me shying away, so that I will not feel like i have to wear a shirt when we are “together”
• I want it to prove my mother wrong. That I will NOT always be the heavy girl
• But mostly I want it for me. I want to be able to not cry when I shop for clothes. To not KNOW I am the biggest girl in the photos. To not be the fat girl at my sisters wedding. To look in the mirror in a year and 1/2 and see a stronger person then I see right now. 

       So I realize I got a little long winded, but there you have it. Spend a year fighting with your body, and you will be a little on edge. Add to it a life changing decision, oh and some family drama, mixed with financial burdens and going back to school, think your anxiety would be higher then normal too. Now add on the medication that puts you on edge and exaggerates your anxiety and you have my reason for irrationally being angry, upset, frustrated. lol

My Life Off The Beaten Path pt 1

       So we know that my new medication is causing my anxiety to go up... but what's causing the anxiety to start with? We have to go back in time to answer that.

       2011 started normal enough. Then I woke up one day and looked at myself. I mean REALLY looked at myself.  It was not pretty. The face in the mirror was not the girl that everyone use to call cute, or the one that use to get stopped by random people to ask who did my hair. No this person was... bland, ugly. "When had I started to have acne? When was the last time I got my very bushy eyebrows or inherited mustache waxed?  Why was my hair touching my shoulders? I don't look good with long hair!!"  Then my eyes fell and I took in the whole picture.  When did I get this BIG! 
       I have always been over weight. I hated it. But in the end I still looked good, and my hubby still loved me. This though, this thing in the mirror, this was not looking good. This was bad. After I was sure I was not going to cry anymore I called my Dr. I knew I could not go another month without doing something. Just saying "ok honey I am fat so we need to eat better" was not enough. I needed to relearn how to eat.  My Dr set me up with a nutritionist. I changed the way I shopped, changed the way I ate, changed how the family ate too.  I even started working out.  Dr G. had me write down everything I ate, and everything I did for my work out. 
       That was the funny part.. How do you write down that you put on loud music and proceed to do ANYTHING you can think of to get your heart going and KEEP it going for at least an hour. And when I say anything I mean anything.. I would run around, jump around, dance around, do jumping jacks etc  what ever I could thing of... Well that's how, lol. That's what I put down.
       So in April after 3 months of this routine I went back to the Dr to see how I was doing. I was supper excited, I has been busting my butt. I knew she was going to be surprised to see how well I had done. I jumped on the scale, all smiles. 4 seconds later I was doing everything I could not to cry in front of this nurse. I had not lost a single pound. Dr.G. tried to make me feel better. Letting me know all my labs proved I was getting healthier, and that as long as I stayed on this path I would start loosing real soon.
       I went home completely discouraged. All I wanted was to curl up on the couch with cookies, chips and ice cream. But there was nothing like that in my house and I was too upset to go out and buy any. Once the hubby got home he let me scream and vent. Then he just said "You can do this, its ok. At least you have not gained." He was right. I had gone 3 months with out gaining at all, ok, I must be doing something right. The weight should start coming off soon.
       I decided I needed to kick my workout up a bit. Just actin a fool in my living room was not cutting it, and I hate going to gyms. There is only skinny people there. I ended up borrowing a treadmill from a friend. I LOVED IT! I could pop in a movie and do a slow pace run on that thing for the whole movie.
       May came and it was time for another Dr appointment. I had gained 2 pounds. I was done. That was it, I threw in the towel and just prepared myself for a life of always being big. Of being the "big" sister, the "fat" friend, the chubby girl in the room. I was honest with everyone about how I had not lost any, about how I had gained weight. But I told no one I had given up. I could not let them know I had failed again. As far as my family and friends knew I was still getting on the treadmill 8-10 hours a week. Even my husband thought I was still using it when he was at work. 
       I had spent 4 months working towards one goal, and every time I turned around I had nothing to show for it. It ate me up. I was in a F*** it mode. I sat around and watched TV all day. I am not a big snack person so I did not binge eat, but I stopped worrying how many calories were in my dinner. I did not stress out if I missed a meal or if I ate too much or too late. This went on through July.
       In August I was set to see Dr G. again. Out of pure morbid curiosity I was excited to go and get on the scale..... I had lost 1 pound! I had to tell someone. This was too funny. Even though I was lying to everyone and they would not understand my inside joke, I still needed to tell someone. So I called my mother. I informed her that after 6-7 months I had finally lost 1 pound. She could here in my voice that even though I was laughing, this was not a good thing. So she tried to make me feel better. She repeated to me something she has been telling me for YEARS. 

"Honey, you know your never going to be small. Even if you do start losing weight your always going to be on the heavy side."  

       I had it! There was no way this was true. It was not written someplace that I was always going to be the “big” girl! Nothing at all said just because my fathers side was all heavy that I HAD to be heavy too! That is really all it took to get me back on track. I was going to prove her wrong!! There was no way I was going to end 2011 this big. I was going to lose the weight and show her!

How I Got Here

...... I am not sure where to begin. Up until a year ago I did not even know what a 'blog" was.  You always hear about them, but no one really ever says what one is. 
       My sister started a blog as on outlet for her struggles and triumphs with breast cancer. Or as she puts it "laughing my way through cancer". I thought it was an awesome idea.... for her. Then things in my life started to go a little ‘off the beaten path‘.  I realized that, for my poor husband and sons sake, I too needed an "outlet".  
quietly SCREAMING... I don't like getting mad, I sometimes have a very hard time getting mad and other times I get mad when there really is not a reason!  The latter one unfortunately has been accruing more often. I mean do I really have a right to be angry at the husband because he wants to go to bed really after helping someone move for 12 hours!? Weather its “right” or  not I do get mad at things like that.  I want to scream and yell, cuss and throw stuff. BUT I cant b/c I don't have a good enough reason to be mad in the first place. So I keep calm and quietly tell my husband or another innocent bystander what's bugging me. 
       I am fully aware of my irrationality. I am also aware of the stress it is putting on me and my little family. So I went to my very amazing doctor. She was helpful as always in letting me know that it is the new medicine making my anxiety go up, which in turn she said was causing my "irrational anger" Thank you Dr.G! 
       Her suggestion was to find an out let, something that I can do that will not stress me out but help me collect my thoughts. I came home and thought, a lot about what I could do.... I thought for a LONG time, and got no where. So I do what every one does when they need help. I turned to the internet. 
       I can not tell you what I planed on searching b/c I checked my e-mail and Facebook first, shame on me, I know. As suspected I got side tracked and ended up taking some kind of  “what’s your real age” test. Things are fine, and I answering the questions, and out of no where I am pissed!??! lol...... 
       Then I really knew I had to something! And there was the answer right there on my computer. A tab I had opened but had not gotten a chance to look at yet. My sisters blog. It made perfect sense. I could start my own! Then I could let all my irrational anger and frustrations out, without having to TALK to someone and risk saying the wrong thing and upsetting them in the process! 


So here I am. Not angry anymore ...for the moment .....Guess that’s how you begin :)